It’s 2:34 in the crevice of twilight and he is on the phone inviting himself into my bed. I say no. He then asks me to travel to his place so that he may feel on my booty. I’ve just come home from a night full of dance-offs and rum; walking into things with one eye half-open and desperately need to pee. My bladder is trying it’s hardest not to leak on my rugs and in the process, have gotten me looking like a senile duck trying to find its way to a safe place. I think about letting him finish his sentence whilst I squirt my last sip of evening into the urinal, but on second thought decide to place him on hold and click the mute button to save him from my streams of unconsciousness.
I vaguely remember a time when a friend of mine spoke about how rude it is to pee (or poop) while on the phone. Personally, I think it is a perfect time to indulge in a bonding experience. I pee in front of my mom, and on occasion attempt to hold elongated conversations with her while in mid-poop. I think it is a testament of security. It is also a test of interest. When I am on the phone with a potential love mate who is calling me close to 3’o clock in the morning, what better way to tell him who I really I am by grunting loudly on the receiver as I push large masses of old food from my anus. #justsaying
When we first meet someone who we find attractive, we oftentimes become stuck in our image of who and what we want them to be. To uphold this image, we refrain from placing ourselves in certain situations where unwarranted experiences may occur. I.e. bathrooms, family settings, etc. I figure, if you really want to maximize your chances of feeling on my booty (or any other woman’s glutes), then you should opt out of being content with scratching my surface and get to know me for what’s on the inside. Literally.
One who accepts being a flawed human is the perfect person I’d like to hang out with. That’s probably why I irritate me so often. To keep me interested in myself. I do my best to accept the crooks in my straight; consistently sanding my rough even when I am aware that it gives me the edge necessary to thrive.
I tell him and any man, if the goal is to feel on any woman’s booty, you’d want her to be comfortable with you while you’re peeing on the phone. That way she sees you for who you are: a human being with a functioning urinal tract. If her bubble is burst by your natural instincts, then she was never into you, only what she imagined you to be. Unfortunately, this is common and I am no exception. Though I may be comfortable with a bit of p&p (poop and pee) on the phone, I still struggle with keeping a straight face while inhaling the pungent smell of someone else’s farts.