What to do When Employers Reject Your Resume…


The rules are simple:

1) Get rid of the fluff and write your truth, even if it risks offending someone.

2) Keep a few polysyllabic words, so they know you possess a smart of some hue.

3) Interrupt the intellectualized rhythm of the standard resume with your own strut.

4) Stand tall and tread hard.

For those of you who are a bit reluctant to begin, I have taken the liberty of posting my résumé online as an example for you to follow. Enjoy!

Talia Taylor |address: google me | phone: 510.2**.1439 (don’t call me after 9 p.m.)

Objective

To get a job so that I can continue to feed, clothe and house myself.

Qualifications

  •  8 years experience interacting with people who infrequently smile
  •  Computer literate; can troubleshoot Macs. Only because they are better than PCs
  •  Went to college for longer than expected
  •  Entrepreneurial experience (I sold candy and other paraphernalia in high school)

Work Experience

Sales Professional|2010 seasonal

  • distract dissatisfied customers from their initial complaints and occasionally confuse elderly Germans by pretending to be a customer
  • open and close registers
  • meticulously dust glassware
  • influence customers to become a valued card holder so that over time, they will owe an excessive amount of money to the corporation

Leadership Instructor|2009-2010

  • show up to work every day
  • talk for one and one half hours as animated as possible to keep up with adolescent attention spans
  • make friends with co-workers and promise to go out for drinks, but never do
  • organize and chaperone field trips with the intent to increase the social and cultural capital of youth
  • execute classroom management practices that are non-threatening and diplomatic, on most occasions

 Receptionist/Hair Stylist|2007-200

  • refrain from yelling at over-demanding customers/clients
  • listen intently to conversations that have no relevance to personal growth
  • boost immune system by becoming accustomed to inhaling toxic nail polish removers

Poet-Mentor|2002-2010

  • display an overwhelming sense of emotion when students recite personal poems in front of a crowd of over 1,000
  • drive long distances to cities with fictive names
  • wear really cool clothing and accessories
  • show resourcefulness in finding money for food and transportation when my paycheck was late arriving. every month

University of East Anglia| Exchange Student| 2005-2006

  • attend courses in which european americans condemned Langston Hughes’ for writing about lynchings instead of tulips
  • refrain from socking people
  • host a radio show with as little talking as possible
  • navigate my way through way Rome, Milan, Florence, Venice, and Barcelona with just one guidebook and little interest in reading it
  • land a feature column in the Valentine’s Day edition of the school paper
  • join the photography club and learn to develop photos of my ex

Education

B.A. I talk a lot to some people, San Francisco State University

B.A. I like all things Black people related, San Francisco State University

References

A few

 

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4 thoughts on “What to do When Employers Reject Your Resume…

  1. But a smiling visitor here to share the love (:, btw outstanding style. “Competition is a painful thing, but it produces great results.” by Jerry Flint.

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