“how do i know who she is when many would gladly be loved”-My Dear Myspace Friend
Last night, I stayed up ’til about one in the morning talking to a homegirl about standards, commitment, ms. badu and her babies’ daddies, did I say standards?
Within the last week, I have been forced to take a look at myself and microscopically examine the choices I’ve made. Many of them not to my benefit, few of them progressive. This has awakened a desire within me to abstain from many of my common interactions with men (i.e. sending mundane texts, slurred kisses, late night “visits”)because truthfully, a lot of these actions stem from a dependence on external validation….well, at least it’s been that way for me.
I say this to ask: is it true so many people would gladly be loved? Or do they want to be gladly validated?
And where is the line between validation and love to be drawn, because with validation, comes a feeling of acceptance and to love is to accept…
yes?
What I am exercising in my personal life, is an abstinence from those who I’ve found myself addicted to in many ways….mostly in their validation of me….
and honestly, although it’s only been a few days since I’ve refused to text, e-mail or call many of my male sugar babies, I feel a lot better. As the days progress, I find it difficult to remember what it is was that they were giving me in the first place.
When that one person comes into my life for me to love, I’m confident that I’ll know because he will be a manifestation of all that I declared. (Hence the importance of having a list of required qualities..because the looks of a man can and will dismember our logic). Now, as my declaration changes, so will the appearance of this person and my attraction to it. This, my friend, is the challenge; knowing that our attractions will change according to our wants and taking responsibility for our declarations. Therefore we must consciously choose what it is that we want. Pry into ourselves and ask why?
‘T, why do I want someone six foot something? Why do I want to be with someone who doesn’t have plans on riding the bus for the rest of his life? Why do I want someone to bring me soup in the middle of the night when I’m not feeling well?’
Are the answers merely blanketing our insecurities, or are they really reflections of the standards we have for ourselves?
When that someone looks familiar, but is not the one, as my girl says, give thanks for the shipment, but go on ‘head and return it.
Many folks want to be loved, but are they willing to love us back without wanting anything in return? Do they have our best interests at heart?
The most important question is, do we have our best interests at heart? When the answer becomes yes, we are bound to attract those who are nothing less than a beautiful mirror.
Things My Hair Tells Me to Say 
Validate(…prove, substantiate, corroborate, verify, support, back up, bear out, lend force to, confirm, justify, vindicate, authenticate.)
hmmm when we’re babies do we ‘need’ validation? i think it helps us develop our place in the world and how we identify with ourself.
At some point do we grow to only need validation if we’re in a parking lot that demands a stamp to ‘validate’ that we were shopping at a particular store?
Or do we need it because we’re upset that someone doesnt care about us as much as we do about them…so we need for them to validate our feelings?Maybe making them feel worthwhile…….but werent they worthwhile with or without the external validation?
i predominantly self validate or court validation from those who i admire and respect. those who seek to invalidate me…are helpful in some respects but i dont really seek them out..they find me. i think there is a place for validation, especially among our elders or those who do what we do but have advanced further along the path. Their validation is useful, inspiring and it helps some of us continue on. To depend on it is not a safe road to travel on and in matters of love….it seems like a no-no. invalidation has helped me more in some situations cuz i felt it was the truth and not just food for ego.
valor and value come to mind when i see validation being used as a word. This gave me alot to think on…tho it occurred @ light speed. I think validation implies acceptance. Similar to love. Validation seems more like someone outside of myself has to ‘second my emotion’ in order for me to feel content about what i felt in the first place. that doesnt work cuz if they revoke their validation like lets say jayz all of a sudden revokes kanyes cool pass….people already like him so the validation has already run its course and he no longer really needs it from jay when millions of others validate him.
do people fight and argue just to renew their validation that they had a few months ago? wicked cycle of addiction to emotional highs and lows.
i think you summed it up with the fact that we need to hold our best interests in heart and see them as clearly as we see our own face. that way people like me wont feel like they have to validate the ones who comes to them in search of acceptance…..and also so i dont morph into someone seeking validation of my selfworth or talent from some one else. slippery slope it is. what does it mean to love oneself?
I think one way in which we can demonstrate self love is to continually put ourselves first in the decisions we make. Because there is no separation and essentially, we are all one, to put ourselves first is to put the world first. We know our vessels more intimately than we do that of other spirits, thus beginning with self is a must. It will inevitably cause a domino effect.
This is by no means THE answer, but just one of many. I too am still learning. The answers shift day to day, sometimes by the hour.