Embarrassing Moments as an Adult: Part 1

As a “grown-up”, I am expected to have my stuff together. Although I wish “stuff” meant knowing how to organize my pencil cup holder, the implications are much broader and include doing things like paying bills on time and showing up to work sober. “Stuff” also implies knowing how to at least make a decent pot of spaghetti when Top Ramen and Kool-Aid cease to make a good first impression.

Peeing in the bed is not acceptable as a grown up. Neither is picking your nose in public. Unless you are an elderly Chinese Man.

Wait.

According to what’s expected of an adult, I’m not quite sure if I can say that I was one a few years ago. I treated my parking tickets like imaginary friends. I forgot I had a job, and showed up late once I remembered.

It was my twenty-sixth birthday. I had a few five drinks. For the most part, I held my senses together until I sipped something from someone’s flask.  At this point, time either sped up or slowed down. I can’t remember. I do recollect the lights coming on and me not taking that as a sign to go home. I had to get in just one more spin move. When I realized that the music was no longer playing, I decided to stop dancing and head on out with the rest of the partygoers.

When outside, I immediately indulged in a conversation about love. I was so enthused, that I decided it would be better for me to talk louder than usual, and even sing some of my sentences. Although I was inspired to compete with street cleaning for who could make the most noise, I was cold, tired and in no condition to drive. I rode shotgun in my home boy’s car; the seatbelt wrapped around me like a scarf. My palms were pressed against my forehead to keep it from sliding off my face.

Right after I introduced myself to equilibrium, it came. A unrelenteless urge to use the bathroom. We stopped at the nearest gas station and just my luck, the bathroom was occupied. I turned around in circles as a means to confuse my fluids. I needed to buy time. I thought about rocks. I made up a song about Trident Layers and tried tapping my foot to it. I intensely walked around the store looking at nothing in particular. No matter how I tried to distract myself, nature showed no mercy. Let’s just say my welcome into adulthood was very warm (and wet).